The Human Bean
by MustardGal
Summary: Roy sends Edward to a coffee shop, but it isn't what Edward expects... Roy's short and evil plan is in motion! Very short one-shot.


**Disclaimer: Full Metal Alchemist is not owned.**

… **by me.**

"What did you say?" the angry Alchemist yelled at his Colonel. He bit back another retort as he watched the Colonel Roy Mustang stand up and shook his head, sighing. The Alchemist flicked his blonde braid behind his head and stomped up to him, intent on pulverizing the man in front of him.

"Edward, I wish you didn't overreact so much," the Colonel said. "It's merely just a small assignment that I offer."

"And?" Edward shot back. "What else is there that you're hiding?"

"Nothing," Roy shrugged his shoulders.

"Then why are you making me doing this?" Edward yelled, waving his arms around. "This is a job for your secretary, not me!"

"But she's busy," Roy muttered and picked up a book, flipping through the pages. "And I want my morning coffee…" his shoulders slumped and he kept flipping back and forth through the pages.

"I think you can hold off coffee for a day," Edward grumbled. "What's wrong with the coffee down in the cafeteria?"

"Ah!" Roy shouted and stood up, shoulders back and pointing a finger at Edward. "That is the problem, my young friend!" He turned briskly around to face the desk and placed the book down. "Long have the stale and disgusting coffee haunted me in the morning. I need a new brand." He looked back at Edward, eyes fierce. "And that is why I need you to grab me some of that coffee in the shop that opened up a few blocks away from here!"

"You're going to owe me one, Colonel," Edward said.

Roy shifted back towards him and lifted a hand in the air. "Thank you, Fullmetal!"

"If I do this, I may leave?" Edward asked. _And never come back_, he added silently to himself.

"You may. You have finished your assessment and may be back on your journey by noon," Roy said.

"Good," Edward sighed. "Hand me the directions and I'll leave."

Roy quickly drew out the instructions and yelled after Edward when he was headed out, "I want caffeinated coffee! Black! No sugar!"

The door shut and Roy smiled at the door, the smile turning into an evil grin. He put a hand over his mouth and tried to sustain himself from laughing. It has been a long time that this plan had been set… this was going to be good. He turned on his heel and headed toward the window.

"You're evil, Roy Mustang," Maes Hughes said as he walked in. "He isn't going to be happy with you for a long, long time."

"Of course he isn't. But I couldn't resist," Roy replied. He sat down on his chair and leaned back, pulling a piece of paper towards him that was on his desk. It was an advertisement for the new coffee shop that had opened up…

Xxx

"The Human _Bean_?" Edward slowly said the words, staring at the huge sign in front of him. "What…?" He stared at the people through the glass, all enjoying their coffee of some sort. He had a bad feeling in his gut… he walked in and stood in line, the strong smell of coffee surrounding the area.

Finally it was his turn as he reached the counter. He put the money on the count and he said, "I'd like to order just regular black coffee…" he stopped, and then continued, "and hot chocolate." He had enough money to get something for himself, too.

"Please step this way, sir!" the cashier man said. "I take it you are the Full Metal Alchemist?"

Edward stopped himself from stepping backwards, feeling bad vibes coming from the walls. "I am…"

"Great! You're perfect!" the man shouted, a smile on his skinny face. He laughed and motioned for Edward to come. "Please, let me take your picture! I've always been a fan!"

Edward grabbed his coffee and water that was handed to him and shuddered. "No…"

The man had a worried expression on his face, and then seemed to think of something. He crossed his arms and leaned closer to Edward. "I hear you're looking for the philosopher's stone, correct?"

A grin appeared on Edward's face. "I am. Do you have information?"

"Only if you allow me to take the picture," the man said.

"Done," Edward said in a loud voice. A picture wouldn't hurt for information on the philosopher's stone, right?

The man had Edward come back into the room and stood him up against the wall. "Hold up the coffee next to your head," the man said. "This'll be quick."

Edward felt stupid, holding the coffee up and staring straight at the camera, but he did it anyways. The picture flashed and Edward blinked a few times to get the flash out of his vision, then he was ushered out by the man. "Thank you for your business!" the man said. He handed a piece of paper to Edward. "This is the place to meet with the man who knows the information."

"But you said you knew it!" Edward growled at him.

"Sorry, didn't fully explain," the man shrugged. "The best time to meet this person would be around tomorrow in the morning."

"Fine," Edward glared at him and once again stomped away. He walked into the Colonel's office, placed the coffee down, and walked out; unnerved by the look the Colonel had given him. It was an _oh-I-have-you-now _look and Edward didn't like it.

The next morning, unknown to Edward, was fully planned. The Colonel had grabbed a newspaper and set it in the place where Edward was going to come to. He set it to the page he wanted and a fit of laughter had come over him; he soon snuck back out, his evil plan soon to come to an end.

Edward bounced into the room not long after that while looking at the address he had been given. It wasn't that far from the military base and he had come straight there. The room he was standing in was empty, save for one newspaper lying on the table. He slowly walked over and picked up the newspaper…

His breath left him as he gazed at his own picture in the newspaper… it was his picture that man had taken the day before at the coffee shop. Right next to the picture in huge letters were _The Human Bean_, and underneath the picture it said in small letters, "Coming to Central City for the first time, _The Human Bean_ has been graced by the company of the Full Metal Alchemist, the youngest and shortest Alchemist in the Military. Doesn't the name _The Human Bean _and the Full Metal Alchemist go well together?"

Edward's face was white and his hands were shaking in fury. The picture showed him slightly grinning with the coffee in his hands, and next to a cardboard figure that he hadn't noticed… the cardboard figure was in fact very taller than him, as Edward only came up to the cardboard figures waist. Edward dropped to the newspaper to the table…

That was the day that Edward could no longer walk through the streets without being referred to as the Human Bean.

That was also the day that Roy could no longer distinguish his own face in front of a mirror as purple bruises covered his face. Edward had seemed to make a hole in the floor each time he took a step, his face stricken with anger. He had not held back as he attacked the Colonel, resulting in his office being completely destroyed.

… and the Fuhrer gave them both the job of fixing it.

… **written for fun…**

**Anyone ever have coffee from The Human Bean? I haven't, but they have good strawberry smoothies. It's an actual place, in case nobody knew :3**


End file.
